Nerves

For some reason, it feels as if there has been a long, arduous journey leading up to tonight's show at the London Music Club. For once, I'm kind of...nervous.

People always ask me if I get nervous, almost as if they want me to say "yes, actually I have to puke seven times and consume a valium-and-bourbon cocktail before I get up on any stage," etc. etc. But the truth is I really don't get nervous, usually: I've been on many stages many times and I guess I somehow lost that paralyzing fear that I'll do something stupid and everyone will laugh.

This time, though, I must admit I'm a little nervous. Not in the filled-with-nauseating-dread kind of way; it's just a fussy kind of feeling, a little internal fidgeting. Almost curiosity to see how it will turn out. See, I think that's the key to overcoming nerves: you have to get to a point where you can separate yourself from what's going on on stage, and sort of watch it from outside yourself, almost. You have to know that whatever happens, it's not really going to hurt or destroy *you* as a person. I guess living through many performance flubs also helps--so that you yourself are living proof that you can botch things up pretty damn badly and still wake up the next morning. It's happened to Bruce Springsteen. It's happened to the Rolling Stones. It's happened to everyone who regularly gets up in front of people, eventually. It's normal and forgivable.

Anyway, I'm not nervous because I think we'll botch things up. In fact, I'm full of affectionate trust, thinking about the band and the amazing degree of intuitive musicianship in each of them. True, it is a different feeling, going up with a group of people and not just you and your guitar--so many variables! But they know music. They get it. And they'll play it well, despite the missed rehearsals this week (due to, among other things, a headcold plague that flattened both me and Chris). So: bring it!

I think the nerves have more to do with the fact that it's been a few weeks of low morale for me: frustration, uncertainty, forgetfulness of why I do this. It's a bit tough to get back on the horse after it bucks you off. But here's hoping that tonight will be one of those nights that reminds me why it's all worth it.

Love,

K.

PS: You should come!